Spike Your Juice: The Holiday Review

December 27, 2010 | 9:07 am

If you're like a Holy Taco editor, you desperately want the sweet, dulling relief of booze but have spent all your extra money on discount hookers and beer nuts. What's a boy to do? Lucky for us, the good people at Spike Your Juice saved the day when they offered us a sample of their product. And what is their product? It's little packets of heaven.* All you need to do is empty a packet into a jug of juice, wait 48 hours and BAM! You got some hooch as easy as sitting in one place for two days, rocking back and forth and praying desperately for boozey goodness. Wait a few more days, you get a stronger mix. The more sugar in the juice, the more booze in the mix. We opted for some holiday cheer with cranberry juice. And we let it ferment for three weeks. The resulting mix was so awesome you couldn't have it and your eyes both fully open at the same time and after drinking it we saw Jesus. Or maybe we just cried alone in our slightly stained comfy chair. Whatever.

When we got the kit, we cracked it open and scoffed at the tiny packets within. Surely no buzz would be enjoyed off of something so small. We'd heard much the same from a handful of college girlfriends. Still, we figured we'd give it a spin. Two days later we popped the top off the juice, slightly sneered at the smell and then gave it a taste.

Booze Diary: Day 2

Smells like high quality varnish made of cranberry. Taste is pure cranberry though. We have to spend a moment in stunned silence wondering why it smells like the guy who begs for change outside but tastes like Hi-C. I'm convinced I can do better than this. The waiting game begins.

If the Taste Were a Magical Beast:

Booze Diary: Day 5

The smell is marginally sharper. It's a bit like cooking sherry, the smell that says "Hey guy, remember all the girls who took your $50 then had their pimps beat you unconscious? Drink this and you'll forget it all." The taste, however, still defies logic. Is this the most dangerous drink since Four Loko? It tastes like juice still.

If the Taste Were a Magical Beast:

Booze Diary: Day 7

It's been a full week, surely now our brew would be dangerously close to lighter fluid. But alas, no. It's aging like a fine, cranberry Scotch. Or some shit. I don't know, I put it in a jug behind the microwave, it's not super elegant. The taste, however, is now somewhat sharper cranberry juice. Like maybe it was mixed with a hint of vodka. Or you just got punched in the mouth before drinking it. Not too shabby, but it still feels like it hasn't topped those wine coolers you used to drink when you were a teenager and didn't know there was something better out there.

If the Taste Were a Magical Beast:

Booze Diary: Day 10

How long can you leave juice sitting behind the microwave anyway? I assume the alcohol is constantly battling botulism to keep me safe and healthy. I love you, alcohol. Tastes the same as 3 days ago.

If the Taste Were a Magical Beast:

Booze Diary: Day 14

We turned two days into to weeks and the official word is the smell of this could be used to wake people who recently suffered a crushing head trauma. It's not awful, it just seems like it needs to be kept away from open flames. Imagine if you were the worm in the mescal, that's what this is like. The taste is finally living up to the odor, there's a definite booze vibe here. But is it enough? We paid $2 for this juice and fully expect a $2 hangover when we're done. Right now it seems like it'd give us a $10 hangover at best, the sort you get after drinking with the flu or something. There's room for improvement.

If the Taste Were a Magical Beast:

Booze Diary: Day 18

We may be on to something magical here. The taste is that low grade sort of pain you're looking for when you buy vodka distilled by Canadian prairie people. They're not properly hillbillies because there are no hills out there, but they think the same. But we're definitely on the right track and, as a bonus, it seems like my nose refuses to acknowledge any additional change in odor. Maybe my brain simply hasn't evolved to a point where it's able to understand it any more.

If the Taste Were a Magical Beast:

Booze Diary: Day 21

It's been three weeks and we did it. We did it. We made something undeniably liver damaging and we should be proud. The smell causes a physical response you can't actually avoid, you flinch whether you like it or not as the fumes creep over you like Julian Assange on a woman who's already said no. The taste was that perfect mix of fruit and Tourette's that you want from your booze. It makes you wince a little and then drink more. Success!

If the Taste Were a Magical Beast:

Conclusions: We're not criticizing Spike Your Juice for saying you can have booze in two days, it's not untrue. We're just saying in three weeks you'll have booze of such magnitude you can sit in your room and go on a magical, boozical journey. Just don't chase it with a handful of microwave burritos. It's a bad scene.

* – Assuming your idea of heaven involves blackouts.

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One Response to "Spike Your Juice: The Holiday Review"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    That’s all very funny but what I’d like to know is where are my comics?

    Don’t make me come down there and sort you fellas out, I want ‘em today, I want them now!

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